The Mad Hatters!

This is some of the ridiculousness I encounter on a daily basis... I know I'm a little behind on updated my blog as some of you have reminded me (you know who you are) so I will do better to get you up to speed!

Today’s blog is about tenants that I have named “The Mad Hatters”. Let me just give you some background info. Their unit is a disaster! By this let me help you visualize. It looks like a paper factory had an explosion with papers everywhere, random boxes, and best of all a pathway throughout the entire apartment of towels (I’m assuming to protect the carpet of course) every room looks like utter madness, hence the title... (And the fact that I think they are insane)

The pictures below don't do them justice. 

I received the following voice mail message... The best part is that I have not edited this whatsoever; I literally typed this out word for word.

“Hi we were gone most of the day today, and we just noticed that the drawer handle screw knob or whatever it’s called on our bathroom cabinet is missing?! (Woman yells in the background) “Oh my god it’s nowhere to be found” It was there this morning when we woke up, and we are very concerned that somebody is getting in our apartment. Do you know if anyone was ordered in here for any reason last night to remove it? If they were not we would like the locks changed, as we are very worried about this happening again to us.”

My reactions

1) Umm who would go into your apartment just to take a cabinet door knob?

2) Is there really no chance that it simply fell off, and is lost forever in the mess that you call your home?

3) You probably took it off yourself, and don’t remember. 

Hours later I get another call this time I answer... (sigh)

Resident: “Umm we found it, it was in my pocket” My response: “Of course it was” and I hung up.

Final thoughts...

I am considering going by at some point tomorrow, and taking something obvious like the refrigerator door handle, or maybe the bedroom door for like an hour... just to see what happens.

Happy birthday fake city on fire thing..

So as you know if you follow my blog, I get a random amount of e-mails, phone calls, and general encounters that are utterly ridiculous. This was the icing on the cake of my week. I received the following e-mail.. This is what I live for...

"I have an apartment emergency.  I am out of town and accidentally left a card board box with dry ice it in at my apartment. Since there is no outside ventilation if it's not thrown out it will kill my cat. Can someone go and throw it out? It is happy birthday fake city on fire thing. It's. On the counter"

I had to read this e-mail a couple times because it made no sense... Naturally curious & fearful for the poor cat, I stopped by to remove the "Happy birthday fake city on fire thing". To my surprise it was just as she had described it...

Contractor, Jail, needing help.. I must be in a "Lifetime movie"

Never a dull morning... I decided to start documenting daily my encounters with crazies... I literally have a book in my desk drawer and when someone says something ridiculous I just pull it out and start writing... I have been told that I will even do it as they are sitting in front of me. (I guess I need to work on being more stealth about it) *You have been warned if I do this to you*

This guy comes into my office with tattoos all over his neck and body (don’t get wrong I like tattoo’s his were just scary) & says:

“I remember you; wow did you used to be fat?”

 Me: “Uhh yes I was... how I can help you?”

“I used to work here, and I need your help, I mean I worked for a contractor and I did work for him here a long time ago”. (At this point I think of  lifetime movies, and am waiting for the worst.. it’s always the “contractor” right?” anyway he proceeds to tell me that he “literally” just got out prison (god help me) and was just dropped off on a main street close by , and thought he would come here to get help. (Of course he did I’m still waiting for the punch line)

He shows me a commissary check he just received from a law enforcement agency (naturally) and asks me where he can cash it. I suggest Amscot, and give him directions. He then goes into this looooong story about how he was suing them because they thought he was an “illegal” and he’s not...

Side Note: I happen to be wearing a ring made out of a bullet shell, and guitar strings... he complimented me on it, and I told him my “boyfriend” (Imaginary of course) who just looooves guns, and bullets made it for me.

Hopefully that's the end of my "help"  

 

A Spanish guy, and an Asian woman.. Part One

I know what your thinking.. The only part I'm missing is that they "walk into a bar".

In this case a Spanish guy, and an Asian woman walk into an apartment. They first enter my office, and I'm instantly hungry because they just got off their shift at a local restaurant, and smell like food..

They both barely speak any English but yet the Spanish guy seems to be a translator of sorts for the Asian lady acting things out, and correcting me when I confirm what she says. All seems normal right? and your probably wondering where this is going..

Well we enter the unit, and within minutes she asks me "Go can I change bathroom I enter?" (Ok I know that totally sounded like Yoda so I've heard.. I personally don't actually know..) but I swear that's what she said.. as she's changing I am in the living room, and the Spanish guy smiles, and starts playing the "Twilight movie soundtrack" on his phone. (pretty loud) I'm like what the what?!

Not just any Twilight soundtrack.. the one for the first movie not even the most current soundtrack (don't ask me how I know that) smh

No idea where she got the clothes to change with she didn't even have a bag. She is supposed to return tomorrow, I am guessing there will be a part two..

Shoot I'm a jinx she's calling me now..

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday... filled with crazies, crazies, crazies

Ah Rebecca Black, I'm sure there is a place for you here.

It’s only 1pm. I have already heard, and seen... and heard the weirdest things. Here’s a few:

Resident with Rent Due: “I will be there for sure, with my rent. Ooh you're on the way to the ABC Liquor store. Rock on!”

My Thoughts: How fantastic

One of my favorite residents - I will call “Little Britain” - walks in listening to a Walkman. I first think, "Um is it really 1984 and I’m the one who is out of touch?" Then I wonder, "How is it actually still working? Is it an original? Where did she buy it?" I am going to have to ask her next time she comes in. However, I think in our next encounter, she will have gone totally 80’s, and may have a perm, Ocean Pacific clothes, jelly shoes, and a swatch watch. (I can’t wait)

Resident with TMI: “I need an apartment with a big window. It must have sunshine all the time. My bird likes to look outside. BUT, at the same time I want it to be in a private location. People might see me walking around in my underwear, as I don’t like to wear clothes.”

My Thoughts:

#1) - I can’t guarantee sunshine all the time

#2) - eww I could have gone without the visual.

Hypothetically..

These are things that maybe you should leave out when looking for an apartment. (Particularly from me) I had a young guy that came in today that believe it or not provided all of the material for this blog. I wish I would have recorded it... wait! I did... but no audio.

(I can do even better.. see picture I'm pretty sure this was him)

It starts off innocent..."I'm looking for an apartment for my dad and me" (My thoughts: Ok, seems normal)

"I was in the military, and am a good guy" (My thoughts: That’s fantastic)

“Would having a felony D.U.I Manslaughter charge prevent someone from getting an apartment?" (My thoughts: what?!)

"What if someone had an imprisonment/battery charge?" "It sounds bad but I can explain... my girlfriend and I got into a fight, and she threw her phone at me, and somehow it ended up in my apartment, and I got charged because she was not able to use her phone to call police" (My thoughts: I need an ibuprofen & where are the hidden camera's)

"I have probably said too much"

"Pretend I didn't say any of those things, and help me"

And finally my favorite...

Ending with "You’re very beautiful by the way" will earn you no points, creep me out, and will just make me laugh.

Merman..

This one is going to make me rich one day.. I have a resident that I believe is part fish or at least has gills.. I have come to the conclusion that he is a "Merman" okay let me back up..

Exhibit A) For starters every time he comes into my office his hands, and feet and shirt are literally dripping wet.He will only run in for a second while holding a plastic red cup full of "water", and a paper towel. It's almost as if he can't be dry.

Exhibit B) I once saw him walk up to his car (he had no clue I was watching him), and pour a cup of water onto his dashboard, and then ..drive away?!

Exhibit C) Recently the neighbor below had a leak, and I had to enter merman's unit. When I walked in the unit everything was wet and there was a path made out of towels. He claims he spilled water when he was cleaning. When I looked around I realized he had nothing No bed.. no couch.. no tv..

The following have been his reasons over the years for not having things:

"I just donated all of my stuff"
"My dad moved into a condo and needed it"
"I just bought all new stuff it's coming today"

Anyway I walk into the bathroom to find that the toilet seat was missing again he claims that he never had one (we have replaced it about 3x)

Closing Argument) The bath tub was sparkling, and had a pillow in it..

The signs are all there.He obviously is part fish, and has possible OCD issues.