Cut a rug! Wait... Cut a Mattress

This is a first... But first some background information. A new resident came in let’s call her Maria, she’s an international employee at a hotel chain and moved into an apartment with a den. The den would great as a closet or an office but being as the building was cut many years ago the wall is un- even so making this a bedroom could make it a little hard to set-up..

Anyway she comes in after she and her friend are approved and asks for my help. She asks if I can help her, “Cut my mattress so that it will fit in the room” I humor her for a moment and ask her to show me what the problem is. I walk up to the unit and see a mattress smooshed up against the wall and sliding the closet doors. She then asks me “Do have scissors or a knife” I look at her confused as I thought she was kidding and say “uh no... That is not possible and is not going to work”. I suggest getting a smaller mattress, or switching rooms with her room-mate that has a smaller bed!

She looks at me in disbelief and stops the maint tech and asks him to chop the sides off with a saw. He breaks it down for her and explains why it would not work and tells her if he cut it the mattress would fall apart and attempted to explain the concept of metal springs.

I see her later on at the pool sunbathing say hello and walk to my office. She knocks on my door to then ask me if I have any good music or reading material for her.

Wow and Wow...

I managed to take a picture with the empty room but not one with the mattress... Yet!

Pitching a Tent (Part Two)

I know I know the suspense is killing you so here comes the funny!

1) Crazy Senorita: Back Story..this lady is always a problem knocking on random people’s door yelling at them that they are in her apt (they are not), losing her teeth then digging for them in the dumpster, and reporting things that have not happened (don’t pity her she will come up in a future blog) anyway the day of the tenting I wanted to check on her to make sure she was gone. The entire complex was vacant, and the pest control company began checking units. I watched as a cab pulled up and she got in it with a small trash bag. no clothes... nothing. I then see it pull down the street stop and she jumps out looks both ways and runs back into her apt... At this point she thinks that she is slick and doesn’t see me... I wait about 10 minutes I go to knock on her door and the cab driver pulls up screaming for her to come down. She then comes to the door pretending to just wake up and I usher her out and suggest she take clothes.

2) Genius: I left everyone bags to double bag all of their food except for new bottles and Jars. What does this lady do? She bags up all of her cups, plates, knifes, forks, spoons, cups and wait for it... Pillows and puts them in the refrigerator and does not bag up any food at all.

Update:

Spider Girl: Called minutes before the tenting began in a panic because she stayed at her boyfriends house the night before and forgot the spider... Because I’m a nice person I went into the unit but found no spider... he/she must have read the notice and left.

Mr. VHS: Surprisingly no tapes were tampered with.

Crazy Senorita: Survived… (Stay tuned an upcoming blog will be about her)

Genius: Lost all of her food but had clean cups, plates, knifes forks, spoons, cups and Pillows.

Pitching a Tent (Part One)

One of the properties recently had to be tenting for termites yadda yadda yadda (common in FL) this is where it get’s interesting. I have four residents that rose above the rest and were shining stars.. meet the first two.

1) Mr. VHS: Stopped me in the parking lot to express how upset he was that we were tenting the building, and asked if we could just “skip” his unit. The reason? He was concerned about the “Valuables” I use that term loosely in his unit and requested that I come inside so he could show me why he was so worried. Since he made it such a big deal I was expecting a huge plasma TV, expensive electronics or massive stereo system. but no... It was so much better that I could have imagined... It was... a wall (literally) of VHS tapes.) He was looked at me and said “Now can you see why I am so worried about a pest control company coming in here? Look at all of my one of a kind VHS tapes. You can’t by these anymore!” I giggled then realized he was serious. I assured him not to worry.

2) Spider Girl: Bumped into me a couple days before the tenting, and had a couple of questions. She first wanted to know if she really really had to be out while the tent was on the building. Next she wanted to know if it would kill bugs? Why you ask? I asked the same thing and this is what she told me. “Since I moved into this unit there has been this cute little spider in my bathroom, that made a cute little tiny web and I don’t want him to die” I looked at her and said “ugh... yes I’m sorry it will kill bugs that’s kinda the whole point” she looked confused so I suggested she go to PETCO and purchase a little insect tank so that she could keep him or her.

** See Next Blog for an Update**

“These boots were made for walking”

An “older” woman brought me in a copy of the ad that she posts ever summer in the flyer...

It reads:

“Our dear little pets don’t have shoes to wear. Think of how terribly hot their feet are on cement! Try to walk them early/late,/on grass if necessary.”

This is literally the clipping. I think I may start a scrapbook, hmm...Yes start a scrapbook then publish it... You guys would want to see it right?

Wanted: Experience with chew toys

This is a resume that someone gave me... wait for it… for their DOGS! When I told the owner that I did not allow large dog’s she returned with this.. so that I could see that they were “well behaved and proper”.

Highlights:

“They are both well-known and very popular with the residents in our present neighborhood.”

“They have personal references, which are available for your inspection.”

“Mindy even has her own raincoat and a special polartec cold-weather coat”

X Marks the spot!

For those of you wondering what this is I will explain however it’s pretty obvious. A nut job drew me a sketch of her neighborhood (on my business cards!) She wanted to be sure I understood where she lives and why she is moving out.

“You see the sticks on the left are electric poles the scratchy lines are trash, cinder blocks, glass and sometimes people (the thin lines are people) and the squares are the dumpsters that get lit on fire every weekend”.

The X is where she lives now. Yes I do see two X’s… she had no explanation for that.

Narnia

Ok, so maybe this is not quite Narnia.. but here is a little window into my world. This is the closet I hid in today.. It has all the essentials "Evian" facial spray, band-aids, water, and meds.

Priceless

Received this today... Maybe I'm the crazy one..

Booga Booga

I had a lady come by to see an apartment let's call her Ganky. Anyway she has called me about 20 times in the last two days and each time I have given her the same information as before. Today she decided to grace me with her presence and come in. I think I have been doing this for probably too long and can instantly tell when someone is going to be crazy and waste my time. I was right on the money; she looks at the apartment and begins with

"Oh my god! This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! It's just so nice!" and I'm like really? thanks...

(This is where it get's good) she then asks me if I have an upstairs apartment because her husband often goes out at night with his "lady friends" note: she is okay with this... and would be scared if a "booga booga" came in through her window.. I instantly laugh and as I look at her I see that she is stone cold serious and I regretfully ask what a "booga booga" is... she proceeds to act out on the floor and probably through the window if I would have opened it how they would come in. "They" being a robber/bad guy.

She then opens up her wallet and shows me that she has “good credit”. She shows me like 80 credit cards... and says that she is most excited about her Capital One card she just got and then proceeds to once again "act out" the Vikings from the commercial she does their voices and flails her arms around and grunts. .. At this point I begin to look around like I normally do to see if I am being Punked or am on a reality show. Sadly no she was really just an entertaining lady. I do really wish that Bravo would call me back...

My one regret of the day is not opening the window, and asking her to show me how a "booga booga" would come in.