Contractor, Jail, needing help.. I must be in a "Lifetime movie"

Never a dull morning... I decided to start documenting daily my encounters with crazies... I literally have a book in my desk drawer and when someone says something ridiculous I just pull it out and start writing... I have been told that I will even do it as they are sitting in front of me. (I guess I need to work on being more stealth about it) *You have been warned if I do this to you*

This guy comes into my office with tattoos all over his neck and body (don’t get wrong I like tattoo’s his were just scary) & says:

“I remember you; wow did you used to be fat?”

 Me: “Uhh yes I was... how I can help you?”

“I used to work here, and I need your help, I mean I worked for a contractor and I did work for him here a long time ago”. (At this point I think of  lifetime movies, and am waiting for the worst.. it’s always the “contractor” right?” anyway he proceeds to tell me that he “literally” just got out prison (god help me) and was just dropped off on a main street close by , and thought he would come here to get help. (Of course he did I’m still waiting for the punch line)

He shows me a commissary check he just received from a law enforcement agency (naturally) and asks me where he can cash it. I suggest Amscot, and give him directions. He then goes into this looooong story about how he was suing them because they thought he was an “illegal” and he’s not...

Side Note: I happen to be wearing a ring made out of a bullet shell, and guitar strings... he complimented me on it, and I told him my “boyfriend” (Imaginary of course) who just looooves guns, and bullets made it for me.

Hopefully that's the end of my "help"  

 

A Spanish guy, and an Asian woman.. Part One

I know what your thinking.. The only part I'm missing is that they "walk into a bar".

In this case a Spanish guy, and an Asian woman walk into an apartment. They first enter my office, and I'm instantly hungry because they just got off their shift at a local restaurant, and smell like food..

They both barely speak any English but yet the Spanish guy seems to be a translator of sorts for the Asian lady acting things out, and correcting me when I confirm what she says. All seems normal right? and your probably wondering where this is going..

Well we enter the unit, and within minutes she asks me "Go can I change bathroom I enter?" (Ok I know that totally sounded like Yoda so I've heard.. I personally don't actually know..) but I swear that's what she said.. as she's changing I am in the living room, and the Spanish guy smiles, and starts playing the "Twilight movie soundtrack" on his phone. (pretty loud) I'm like what the what?!

Not just any Twilight soundtrack.. the one for the first movie not even the most current soundtrack (don't ask me how I know that) smh

No idea where she got the clothes to change with she didn't even have a bag. She is supposed to return tomorrow, I am guessing there will be a part two..

Shoot I'm a jinx she's calling me now..

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday... filled with crazies, crazies, crazies

Ah Rebecca Black, I'm sure there is a place for you here.

It’s only 1pm. I have already heard, and seen... and heard the weirdest things. Here’s a few:

Resident with Rent Due: “I will be there for sure, with my rent. Ooh you're on the way to the ABC Liquor store. Rock on!”

My Thoughts: How fantastic

One of my favorite residents - I will call “Little Britain” - walks in listening to a Walkman. I first think, "Um is it really 1984 and I’m the one who is out of touch?" Then I wonder, "How is it actually still working? Is it an original? Where did she buy it?" I am going to have to ask her next time she comes in. However, I think in our next encounter, she will have gone totally 80’s, and may have a perm, Ocean Pacific clothes, jelly shoes, and a swatch watch. (I can’t wait)

Resident with TMI: “I need an apartment with a big window. It must have sunshine all the time. My bird likes to look outside. BUT, at the same time I want it to be in a private location. People might see me walking around in my underwear, as I don’t like to wear clothes.”

My Thoughts:

#1) - I can’t guarantee sunshine all the time

#2) - eww I could have gone without the visual.

Hypothetically..

These are things that maybe you should leave out when looking for an apartment. (Particularly from me) I had a young guy that came in today that believe it or not provided all of the material for this blog. I wish I would have recorded it... wait! I did... but no audio.

(I can do even better.. see picture I'm pretty sure this was him)

It starts off innocent..."I'm looking for an apartment for my dad and me" (My thoughts: Ok, seems normal)

"I was in the military, and am a good guy" (My thoughts: That’s fantastic)

“Would having a felony D.U.I Manslaughter charge prevent someone from getting an apartment?" (My thoughts: what?!)

"What if someone had an imprisonment/battery charge?" "It sounds bad but I can explain... my girlfriend and I got into a fight, and she threw her phone at me, and somehow it ended up in my apartment, and I got charged because she was not able to use her phone to call police" (My thoughts: I need an ibuprofen & where are the hidden camera's)

"I have probably said too much"

"Pretend I didn't say any of those things, and help me"

And finally my favorite...

Ending with "You’re very beautiful by the way" will earn you no points, creep me out, and will just make me laugh.

Merman..

This one is going to make me rich one day.. I have a resident that I believe is part fish or at least has gills.. I have come to the conclusion that he is a "Merman" okay let me back up..

Exhibit A) For starters every time he comes into my office his hands, and feet and shirt are literally dripping wet.He will only run in for a second while holding a plastic red cup full of "water", and a paper towel. It's almost as if he can't be dry.

Exhibit B) I once saw him walk up to his car (he had no clue I was watching him), and pour a cup of water onto his dashboard, and then ..drive away?!

Exhibit C) Recently the neighbor below had a leak, and I had to enter merman's unit. When I walked in the unit everything was wet and there was a path made out of towels. He claims he spilled water when he was cleaning. When I looked around I realized he had nothing No bed.. no couch.. no tv..

The following have been his reasons over the years for not having things:

"I just donated all of my stuff"
"My dad moved into a condo and needed it"
"I just bought all new stuff it's coming today"

Anyway I walk into the bathroom to find that the toilet seat was missing again he claims that he never had one (we have replaced it about 3x)

Closing Argument) The bath tub was sparkling, and had a pillow in it..

The signs are all there.He obviously is part fish, and has possible OCD issues.

Bollywood..and free starburst..

True Story! It's always sounds like a made up story when someone says that doesn't it?

This however is a "true story"..

A couple came in the other day to look at an apartment. They "seemed" totally normal until we looked at the unit..

The boyfriend started humming a little bit which should have tipped me off (who really hums anymore?). But I thought nothing of it, and proceeded to show them the unit. When we enter the kitchen he breaks off into this "Bollywood song", and started waving his hands a little bit. I smile but inside i'm literally dying from laughter! I'm not sure weather to clap or laugh or just walk away. So I just stand there..

He continues to sing as he walks through the rest of the unit, and when he's done his girlfriend smiles at me, and offers me a yellow Starburst.

I swear this was the song..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwFlJP1kpHQ&feature=related

Update: They came back in the next day, and he began humming again. This time.. I clapped, and then asked him when he wanted to move-in.

Broken feet & cheese..

Just a couple things that have made me giggle lately! (I couldn’t make this up if I tried...) Ok, maybe I could but with so much material I will never have to.

“My credit is bad because I’m a dancer, and broke both of my feet”

“Quick settle our debate! Was Dukakis Greek?” My question of the week during the meeting of the minds with 80 year olds in the pool area. (They think I’m a genius, and I answer all of their questions.)

“I don’t like cold cheese in my mouth” totally random we were talking about the size of the unit.

“Of course I remember you how can I forget being locked out of a unit, and having to scale the fence” It’s true I met with a banner designer, and was showing him where I wanted a banner... trick was we had to go out the window 1st floor to see it (long story) and then the window slammed shut.. (With our cell phone’s inside of course) nothing in front of us but the concrete wall, and a fence... that we had to scale to get out. I guess it would be hard to forget me for that.